Torn
by walkinshade
Summary: Repression episode addition: Under the influence of Teero the angry warrior violates the woman he loves, this story deals with the aftermath for both Kathryn and Chakotay, J/C


Episode addition to "Repression"

Warning...Even when not graphic, the first part of this is dark.  
Under Teero's influence the angry warrior is forced to violate the woman he loves.

The story itself deals with the aftermath of the events for both, Kathryn and Chakotay.

**Torn**

He stares down at her.  
But his eyes don't.  
To him she is faceless.  
To him she is release of pent up emotion.  
Feelings evoked and not evoked by her.  
He doesn't look with the eyes of a lover.  
And it is not love he is making to her.  
He just takes what he thinks he needs.  
Or does he?  
He couldn't answer the question.  
He would just look with eyes devoid of answers.  
Dark eyes.  
Brooding eyes.  
Angry eyes.

An angry warrior's eyes?

Not to her.

These eyes are all she can see.  
The world around her has faded.  
To the pain.  
And the raging darkness.  
She wants to scream.  
But she doesn't.  
Because to her he is not a stranger.  
And she knows this is more than emotion.  
His soul is in his eyes.  
Despite the darkness.  
Broken.

How can she break then?

Her teeth leave bloody traces on her lips.  
But not a word comes across them.  
She only pleads with her eyes.  
Eyes blue and gray  
As an ocean in winter.  
Until she feels herself drowning under the heat of his gaze.

When Chakotay cries.

They both went down to this planet, the Spirits alone knew why.  
This was no shoreleave and most of the mining conducts were already finished.  
She had gone down with the first team and now he came to deliver B'Elanna's latest status report.  
He just couldn't stand this unnerving silence between them any longer.  
For weeks it seemed they were dancing around each other.  
Both oblivious to the obvious.  
Or were they?  
No. They weren't.  
Point was, they both knew.  
Both so aware of what had happened that acknowledging the truth between them could be just make or break.  
And so many was already broken.

When he had woken in the darkness of his quarters he had not known, how he ever got here.  
To this ship.  
To the stars that sailed quietly along the windows.  
All his memories seemed buried under a pile of indefinable pain.  
Not a physical one.  
The ache seemed to stretch from his heart into the deepest recesses of his mind.  
And now this pain had a face.  
And blue gray eyes.  
Her name had died on his lips the moment he remembered his actions.  
And the manipulation.  
How could he do this? To anyone?  
To her? Most of all to her?  
He felt himself dying slowly ...with every picture that took on clarity in his mind.  
The plea in her tearless eyes was his undoing.  
And her silence.

He screamed into the dark of his rooms. For she had not done that. Not once.  
No tears, no cries, no screams.

Now a merciless sun burned down on them.  
The air was so dry, that one could inhale the fine sand that the wind whirled through the deserted steppe.  
She stood with her back to him.  
Her body covered in the white quilt he'd given to her years ago,  
when their friendship was still young and her hair was still long.  
He felt old suddenly, watching her lonely shape at the horizon.  
She seemed so far away.  
Unreachable.  
And lost.  
Lost, not only to him.  
Had he ever recognized her loneliness?  
Despite his pledge: You are not alone.  
She was.

For the first time he understood.  
The true meaning of her command and her devotion.

Even when he had been by her side.  
All these years.  
Caught in the enigma of her personality.  
As all her crew was.  
Like cast in a spell.  
They all loved her for what she was.  
And so did he.  
More than anyone.  
He had longed for her always.  
The desire so deep, that he no longer recognized the guilt in her eyes,  
When she reminded him of the parameters between them.  
It had been easier to blame than to carry the burden.  
So she had done it for both of them.  
Even now.

No matter what the cost.  
But it would end here.

Had he honestly believed it would be easy...?  
To just go and approach her.  
The first steps seemed light enough.  
But then...  
The closer he got the more it seemed she distanced herself from him.  
And when he finally reached her  
It felt like they were at different sides of the universe.  
Now she looked at him.  
And saw a stranger.

While he seemed to see her for the very first time.  
Clearly. An undistorted picture of reality.  
Unveiled of uniform and rank.  
Just flesh and blood.  
Every line in her face,  
The soft curve of her brows,  
The paleness of her cheeks and  
The fading red of her lips.  
And eventually her eyes.  
The intricate pattern of blue and gray seemed  
To shift with every breath she took.  
Until she saw the determination in his eyes.  
If she had ever feared him,  
It was at this moment.  
Not even under Teero's assault she had been as terrified as she was now.  
Because she had always known,  
That he was the only one, who could penetrate her shields.

She had been shocked then,  
Deeply.  
Into immobility.  
And endured what had inevitable happened to her.  
But all the time she had known,  
They were both victims of this most private violation.  
Maybe he was even more.

But now he was ready to face the demons  
The Bajoran Vedek had unleashed.  
And she knew he wouldn't leave her side,  
Until she acknowledged the truth.  
And the hurt it had brought.  
A pain so great that she felt unable to react emotionally.  
She was frozen.  
And neither sun nor blanket could give her the warmth  
She was desperately seeking.  
It would kill her, she was sure.

She had always wanted him.  
This wonderful, caring man.  
He had completed her, like no one ever had before.  
And she had craved his touch.  
The more she denied them both,  
The more she had longed for it.  
The impossible dream had become her true goal.  
And the Alpha-Quadrant a synonym for  
Liberty.

But those hopes and dreams had been crushed in a single moment.  
How could she dream of loving him now,  
When she feared even a single word coming from his lips?  
His eyes seemed to bore into her soul.  
Relentlessly.  
And she felt herself tear under his gaze.

His hand moved slowly to reach for her,  
But she turned away instantly.  
"Don't."  
Her voice sounded alien even to her own ears.  
"Touch",  
A hoarse whisper.  
"Me."

It was Chakotay, who froze now, his arm still bridging the space between them.  
"Kathryn, please!"  
And his hand came to rest on her shoulder.  
She shook under his touch.  
His gentle comfort hurt and still it was all she had ever wanted to feel.  
Him.  
His love. Unconditional despite his own fears and pains.  
How could she ever face him again?

But she did,  
Turning back to him slowly,  
And every second felt like dying.  
Her hands shook badly, when she reached for him,  
Grabbing the material of his shirt like a lifeline.  
Her beautiful features distorted  
By the scream that tore through her  
And that never left her lips.  
**"I can't love you."**

They both cried, when his arms closed around her  
And he breathed into her hair.  
**"But I know you do."**


End file.
